Getting to Know Our “Parts”: A Different Way of Understanding Ourselves Through IFS

The Internal Family System (IFS) offers an interesting way to understand these experiences: What if these different voices are not signs that something is wrong with us, but different “parts” of us that are each trying to do something for us?

Have you ever had a moment when you felt like you were arguing or negotiating with yourself?

Maybe one part of you knows you should go to bed, while another part might pop out and say, “Just one more episode.” 

Maybe one part of you wants to speak up when something bothers you, while another part immediately worries, “What if they get upset with me?” 

Or maybe you finally have a chance to rest, but somehow there is still a voice in your head reminding you of everything you should be doing. 

Sometimes, it can almost feel like there are multiple versions of ourselves living inside the same person. 

⚠️It is important to note that the “parts” described in IFS are not diagnoses or separate personalities. IFS views multiplicity as a natural part of the human experience, we can all have different feelings, needs, or impulses that sometimes seem to pull us in different directions. 

So…What exactly is IFS?

Internal Family Systems (IFS), is a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. One of its central ideas is that our minds naturally contain different parts, and these parts may carry different emotions, beliefs, needs, and ways of responding to the world. 

This idea might sound unusual at first, but we actually use “parts language” all the time. 

“A part of me really wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay home.”

IFS takes any similar experiences seriously in everyday experiences. 

Instead of seeing these different sides of ourselves as inconsistent or irrational, IFS invites us to become curious and welcome about all of these parts.

What if the Part You Don’t Like Is Actually Trying to Help?

This is one of the things that I found especially interesting about IFS. 

Usually, when we notice something about ourselves that we do not like, our first instinct is to get rid of it, and take a little break. 

“Why am I so anxious?”

“Why do I keep procrastinating?”

“Why do I care so much about what other people think?”

Most of these thoughts or internal conversations can make us become frustrated with ourselves very quickly. Therefore, most of the time we choose to approach therapy with kind of the similar goal: How do I make this part of me disappear/never show up?

IFS offers a different question: What if this part has a reason for being here?

Let's take a look at two examples of how IFS can change our perspective during daily life:

1.  Imagine someone who constantly worries about disappointing other people, they may wish they could simply stop caring so much. But when we slow down and become curious, we might discover that the people-pleasing part has learned that keeping others happy helps maintain connection, prevents conflict, or creates a sense of safety. 

2. Think about a perfectionistic part that constantly says, “You need to do better.” On the surface, it may feel exhausting and critical. But underneath that pressure, perhaps this part believes that being perfect is the best way to avoid failure, rejection, or shame. 

3. This does not mean that every behavior is helpful or that we have to like everything about ourselves, we can first try to learn about this part and understand it!

Slowing Down Instead of Immediately Fixing 

You might have a feeling or perspective of living in a world that loves problem-solving: try to recall an experience when you were facing a problem. Your first intention might be 80% to think about a most effective way to solve this problem. 

Examples: 

• Feeling anxious? → Here are five coping skills.

• Procrastinating? → Make a schedule

• Feeling overwhelmed? → Break your tasks into smaller steps. 

These strategies can absolutely be useful under most of the situations. But sometimes we become so focused on fixing the problem that we skip an important question:

• What is happening inside me right now?

IFS encourages us to slow down and stay with our emotions for a little while, rather than immediately trying to fix or get rid of them.

At this point you might ask me ‘why’ we should slow down? 

• Slowing down gives us a chance to understand what a part is trying to tell us and what it may be protecting us from. It is normal when we are facing a problem, and we immediately jump into problem-solving since this might make us feel better temporarily. But this immediate requirement stuck us in the surface level, and miss the authentic needs or fears underneath the emotion. Therefore, sometimes it is necessary and helpful to be curious about the part first. We may have more choices in how we respond instead of automatically reacting in the same way. 

Instead of immediately telling an anxious part to calm down, we might notice it.

• Where do I feel this anxiety in my body?

• What happens when I give it some attention?

• What is this part worried about?

• What does it think would happen if it stopped doing its job?

Sometimes, just approaching our internal experiences with curiosity rather than judgement can create a very different kind of conversation with ourselves. It can help us better understand what we need and give us more choice in how we respond. 

Here are some examples:

1. Instead of thinking, “Why am I so anxious? I need to stop worrying,” we might ask, “What is this anxious part worried about right now?” → Maybe we realize that we are afraid of making mistakes or disappointing someone. Instead of immediately pushing the anxiety away, we can acknowledge that fear to think about what we actually need in that moment. 

2. Instead of telling ourselves, “I’m being lazy again,” we might become more curious about the part that does not want to start a task, and how that part feels at that time/what that part needs. → Maybe it is feeling overwhelmed or afraid of not doing it perfectly. 

This understanding can help us respond differently, perhaps by self-care (e.g. taking a break), asking for support, or starting with one small step (Sometimes one small step is a huge progress for everyone!). 

A Little Curiosity Can Be a Good Place to Start

IFS does not ask us to love every reaction we have or stop trying to change the things that are hurting us. Instead, it invites us to pause before immediately pushing those parts away.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why am I like this?” maybe try asking a different question: “What might this part of me be trying to do for me?”

You may not have an answer right away, and that is totally okay! Sometimes, simply becoming curious about ourselves is a good place to start!